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Hello, I found sophie's community and had the need to do some writing… - Bound Muse [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Prompts for Creative Writers

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[Feb. 19th, 2007|03:06 pm]
Prompts for Creative Writers

bound_muse

[greyholiday]
Hello, I found sophie's community and had the need to do some writing today.
I apologise in advance for how pretentious it is.

Title: Escape (one of the prompts listed below).
Rating: I'd say mature. Bad language, references to drugs and sex (but not like a bad action movie).
Critique away. Except for my grammar, because a) It's good enough and b) I don't care.


Escape?

How far do you think you’ll get with that needle still sticking out of your arm? Forgotten and hanging out like a silvery beesting trying to flee the body, shitting its lifeblood into your highways.

 

Run from what? A syringe of opioid receptor agonists? When ice-cold-heaven-bliss fuckstarts you from your arm to your skull and back again, why leave? Cold stone walls and a piss-stained mattress mean nothing when you dance with Aztec Gods. Dance within Huitzilopochtli’s terrible rainbow feathers and hidden claws. Fire your molten seed in a slow-dance of silver until you melt with the earth and forget the dusty grey of who forgot you and the brown stains of a spent mattress.

 

And now you’re back. The tether reeled a flaccid form, a tired fish, it dragged you back until you find a cold, semi-clean mosquito hanging limp, a defeated libido, a betrayal from god, hanging, post-coital from a clammy rock. Stretched skin shows surgical-steel phallus chilling you to your jaded bone with the horrors of sights and smells and sex without metaphors. Through bars you flew, Quetzalcoatl, god in man, yet chained you are to wax-yellow bones waiting to be buried.

 

In a world of colours without reasons and flavours, without holy metaphors and the beautiful soliloquy to guide your soul to nirvana and fucking, you find an echoic, persistent monologue, blurrily muttering on a cheap radio you couldn’t sell. That’s all you find in this room you can’t run from. That, and a piss stained mattress, Cold walls, and two ominous windows which show the same room on the outside.

 

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Comments:
[User Picture]From: jinx_victim
2007-02-19 09:05 am (UTC)
1) Took you long enough
2) Eeeee, new member is love! ^_^
3) "and now you're back" resulted in me singing "from outer space!"
4) I like the imagery, but I think it's a bit unfocused to be a finished piece.
Nice job :D
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[User Picture]From: greyholiday
2007-02-19 09:38 am (UTC)
I agree, It's not really focused at all. I wrote it in an hour of grumpiness and didn't look twice except for fixing a few fucked sentences.
I'm pleased for the amount of effort entailed.
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[User Picture]From: quit_prosing
2007-02-26 10:01 am (UTC)
... now, don't be offended, but did you write that with the express purpose of being a bit of a wanker? Kind of like your Bjork comments?

Either way, it's good, but I think it's the length that gives it the unfocused feel. You're bombarding us with images and it means that we lose track of what you're trying to say.
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[User Picture]From: greyholiday
2007-02-26 11:15 pm (UTC)
I'm not offended, and no I wasn't trying to be a smartass.

I do agree with what you say. It's pretty unfocussed because I changed my mind about five times while writing it. Thus the imagery changed with the narrative, from being clinical to insects to aztecs. And I was aware but didn't really care enough about it to tidy it up. It ended up just being creative jarbige admittedly.
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